Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Ok, as it's a new year with new resolutions, and in my ever-fervent effort for full disclosure, I must admit something, out loud, to all of you...

I fake orgasms.

I have always taken great pride in never having to remember stories or secrets, what I told to whom, or if I omitted details, because I simply do not lie in my daily life, especially about myself.  My motto has always been: "I'll answer any question you have, just be sure you really want to know the answer."  I never want to be punished for my honesty through over-disclosure, but I don't generally arbitrarily volunteer information either.  And, yet, here I am, confessing to this gorilla of a lie, the biggest, hairiest, meanest one of them all: If you and I have ever hooked up, in any capacity, I am here to tell you that I have faked at least one orgasm with you/on you/for you. Even if you're convinced I haven't or believe you're the exception to the rule, I promise you, I have, at least once, but more likely, multiple times.

And while my admission is a truly tragic one, it has recently come to my attention that we ladies are ALL faking, and with more and more frequency...and I say this with a deep sigh and huge regret...that somehow, somewhere, we women let our insecurities get the best of us, and we decided it was easier to just fake it.

Men always want to know WHY we women fake, but it's not that simple, and it's not necessarily for the same reasons.  The primary reason I fake is because rarely am I asked what it's gonna take to get me off (nor do these men convince me they are particularly interested).  Men jump into bed and assume that we women, like cars, have similar mechanics with standard assembly line parts that they can jiggle and twist until something will just pop into place. (And, although, some women are at fault for this too, it's on a much smaller scale and not without craving our partner's instruction.) I fake because there's an epidemic of "assistance is insulting" going around.  How come it's hot and acceptable to use a vibrator for masturbation purposes but not as a helper during actual sex?  I've dated both men and women who take any assistance to their abilities as an insult, but it's really much more (for me, at least) about taking the performance pressure off of them.  Since I am especially familiar and comfortable with my body, I'd much rather focus on sharing the experience, the moment, and enjoying their presence as the pleasure catalyst.  If you're really into the connection and enjoyment overall, why would you NOT want any and all resources at your disposal?

The problem I've found is that so many partners want to appear very "GGG" (GoodGivingGame-a la Dan Savage), but they also fear that the toy will be a needed/wanted all-the-time kind of thing...so we fake rather than rock the boat by talking about it.  It's just easier.  We make sure to milk the times we're allowed to have toys in bed and then try to stroke our partner's ego all the other times when we're faking our heads off.  I say "we" and "our" because I conducted some impromptu studies among my female friends, (single/dating/married/21-50/all walks of life) and was horrified to find that even more women are faking and more frequently than I originally thought.  Almost every single one of them fake an orgasm on a regular basis.  Men, you should see this as a testament to how much we actually give a damn about your precious egos.  We don't want you thinking you're inadequate, and because partners before us haven't "needed" vibrators with you (allegedly), and we're not trying to make ourselves look difficult, but, the truth is...nobody--not them before, not us now--are getting off with just your magic penis during old-fashioned in and out penetration.  This is not to say we don't LOVE your penetration, because we do!  But, it, by itself, isn't going to get the job done. (disclaimer: if you are one of the 4% of men that have a large and spectacular cock AND can talk deliciously dirty, then maybe you're the occasional exception...but every woman still needs help sometimes, even with a delicious donkey dick.)

The number ONE reason for faking orgasms comes from...(you ready for it?)...lack of communication and fear of discussion/rejection (usually paired with lack of confidence)!  We would honestly love it if our partners were confident enough with themselves to allow us to be open and honest about what's going to get us there.  A vibrator is just a helper, it's in no way a replacement for our partner's body and taste and touch and smell.  Fact is, our clitoral tissue, stretched end to end is actually longer than most penises and wrapped around far deeper inside our bodies.  Because of this, incorporating vibration helps reach those deeper nerve endings, and combined with everything we are experiencing with our partner, we can have a much more satisfying climax.  We don't want it to be either/or, we just want it to be a natural inclusion in the routine!  Having a vibrating bullet between our bodies allows us to relax into the act rather than anticipating and fearing we're not going to cum or how we're going to fake or why the hell you didn't go down on us first.  We want you to be confident in your abilities as our partner, but if you truly care about our pleasure, then please be comfortable with whatever it is that's going to get us there.  And, the only way to know what's going to get us there is by ASKING (and being truly invested in hearing the answer).

Being able to talk about sex with your partner is a necessity for intimacy, and generally, talking about sex when you're not having sex is the most comfortable and safe time to connect.  Too often, we wait till we're in bed, all naked and vulnerable, striving for what may be an impossible (if not misdirected) orgasmic goal, while casually attempting to give subtle directions like a sexy GPS, all while our partner may not be open to much guidance.  We all say we want to know what our partners want in bed, but when it comes down to it, are you actually having the conversations?  I find for those more timid people or when you wanna test the sex talk waters with a partner, electronic conversations can be the way to go; they allow you the safety of saying exactly what you want without the other person's reaction being in your face.  The most important part of this exercise, of course, is finding a partner that is actually very interested in your pleasure, if even for their own gratification.
We know that (almost all) women CAN physically have orgasms; however, most of those orgasms occur with clitoral stimulation coupled with some kind of penetration (vaginal/anal) and other breast or body contact. In all my years of living, I've only had those whole-body, deep, vaginal-only orgasms with 2, maybe 3 partners. The biggest problem I run into is the ever-present lose-lose situation: men don't want you to use vibrators on yourself during sex because it makes them feel inadequate, so you don't pull them out and subsequently wind up perpetuating the problem because, well, without that little extra kick, they are actually going to be tragically inadequate in a strictly penis-vagina intercourse situation. It's such an unfun vicious cycle.

After collecting all my orgasmic research, I've realized this is not unlike the LGBT community's movement: "We are each just one woman faking one orgasm, but together, we are contributing to the bigger problem of men not knowing between what works and what doesn't."  Together, we women have perpetuated this problem by not demanding that we get what we actually NEED in bed.

So, women, today, I urge you to start imagining what fulfilling sex would look like, feel like and sound.  And, men, I encourage you to put your egos aside, realizing we are still choosing to have sex with you, and ask what might make it that much better for us.  If we can at least get to working on the "trying" part, we'll be getting that much closer to the actual "doing", and soon, we can all be legitimately cumming all over the place.

Good luck, everyone, and keep me posted on your journeys towards authentic sexual pleasure!

Yours,

JN

Go Fuck Yourself (and I Wanna Watch)!

Oh for fuck's sake. What is the deal, people???

From everything I know and have experienced, everyone I have ever asked enjoys watching (or the idea of watching) their partner pleasure themselves. Everyone! Yet, of all these people, many of them are admittedly not comfortable enough (or even willing to entertain the thought!) of rubbing one out in front of their partner! Where is the disconnect??? (and I assure you, only a handful of these participants were actually raised Catholic.)

What is with so many women a) not willing to masturbate in front of their partners or b) allegedly not having masturbated at all? In their whole life? And men, what's the hangup about not wanting to jack off in front of your partner? Someone is going to have to help me understand this unfortunate phenomenon.

I guess I'm mostly just bummed that this VERY pleasureable act is not being extended over a party of one. Help me understand. Most everybody does it, if you're a human male, you likely do it with porn and/or your "highlight reel". (spoiler alert: every man watches porn...even if he tells you he doesn't, yes, even yours, yes, even if he's very CSI about it). As a woman, I can only masturbate about partners I've actually had; I was never one who could get off thinking about Jonathan Taylor Thomas or DiCaprio or someone random when I was young, and I think, for the most part, most women are much more specific. Men can generally get turned on by a stranger and imagine fucking that stranger and that's sufficient, but I don't know many women that operate like that. It's much more personal for us. Which is why, especially for me, phone/text/cyber sex can be very fulfilling with a partner I actually know and desire. Maybe I'm oddly unique, but one of my biggest turn on's is watching a guy stroke his own cock till it cums, especially if I'm his stimulus. So. Fucking. Hot. And, yet, I have a very difficult time getting partners to do this for me! WHY??? I just do not understand.

Problem #2: how many people have run into the guys that can't have an orgasm during intercourse...? I'm hearing about this more and more (and tragically dealt with it myself). So, here's a link to an awesome article by the great Dan Savage about the "death grip" problem:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=10817
Basically, he says that if you train your dick (or pussy, for that matter), to only get off in a certain position with certain pressure for years and years, you will have to work very specifically to recondition yourself. This is also why I tell women that can get themselves off with only their hands to NOT start using vibrators because they will desensitize you over time. I am jealous of women that can get themselves off without a vibrator, as I am not one of them, but I can urgently cum under the delicate coaxing of a warm mouth and soft tongue or a great cock and lots of dirty talk.

On a side note, many years ago, I went out with a guy that used to hump his pillows to masturbate. This was one of the most unique methods I had ever heard of at the time, since I thought all guys just used their hands. I remember going to his house once and accidentally tripping over this..."fuck buddy". Let's just say he was clearly not a proponent of safe sex with his pillows. It think it actually crunched when I tripped on it. Gross.

That's enough for today, but write to me more about your issues surrounding masturbation, and if you don't listen to Dan Savage's free podcasts on iTunes or read his column, I suggest you do, especially if you're as interested in and facinated by human sexuality as I am.

A smack and a kiss,
JN