"Sex is like snow...

"...you never know how many inches you're gonna get or how long it will last."

In light of this being the holidays and all, I would like to express my gratitude for something that often goes unappreciated: the average penis.

Recently, I found myself naked, excited, on my back and begging for it, only to reach out for what appeared to be, quite possibly, a thumb...? Surely not. I leaned up to address my very aroused partner and where a throbbing and somewhat normal-sized member should have been, there was...an acorn shaped stump of a penis!

Now, as we all know, I've seen every kind of penis from every country--giant, tiny, yellow, purple, crooked, uncut, etc., but this experience thrust me back into a brief and drunken encounter in college. A friend and I had hooked up with these two guys during a football game; they were in town as alumni of the opposing team. We took them back to her place and proceeded to divide and conquer. Although I was drunk, I know a penis when I see it, and I'm quite sure that what I saw was the finger of an infant. Surprisingly, this virile young man proceeded to have no fewer than four intense fluid-filled orgasms over the next 30-40 minutes, all the while telling me about the girlfriend he was in love with but not quite sure if he was ready to marry. I assured him that if they enjoyed sex with each other (especially she with him), he should absolutely marry this woman. I knew that no other woman in her right, devirginized mind would ever give him a second thought.

In the years since this encounter, I have gone back and forth as to whether or not he should even be counted in my "number" since, technically, I think I was fingered, not fucked. But, if it comes down to technicality, then I guess it should count. What's even funnier, was that the next morning after the boys left, my friend emerged from her room and expressed her great disappointment in her lover's equipment. "I'm not any kind of size queen, but, Jesus, that was a poor excuse for a man dick if I ever saw one." I could only chuckle and regale her with my own story; perhaps they hung out together so they could feel good about themselves? I was most confounded that my partner had zero performance anxiety at all! Had no one ever guffawed at the sight of his naked body? Asked him when he was gonna put it in after he had finished? I do feel badly for these men who have been dealt an unfair and unfortunate hand, but of all the tiny penises I've seen, not one has been attached to a man with any shame about it! That, to me, is the true phenomenon.

So, in the spirit of the season, and my recent tryst with an infantile penis, I would like to express my gratitude for all the men on the small scale of normal who have had shame or performance anxiety about the size of their member. I assure you, you are above average and much appreciated.

Happy Holidays,
JN