If Your Bitch Smell Like Fish... (aka: Mythbusting: Health Class is in Session, part 1)

Ok, Boys and Girls,

This is an exigent post about the innermost workings of our female sexual parts.  For those of you who were too busy passing notes during Health class, see this as an overdue reminder about why it's imperative to scrub one's fingernails before digging into our delicate mucus membranes, as well as why we do not perform oral sex with cold sores and why absolutely everybody must wear condoms even though absolutely nobody likes them (yes, pre-cum can spread disease even though it rarely spreads pregnancy).

So, let's talk about the BV Monster: Bacterial Vaginosis (aka: Why Yo Bitch Stank Like Fish) because this is, without a doubt, the number one question I get asked the most frequently, from men and women alike.

SITUATION: Your female partner's vagina reeks of king mackerel, or some equally fetid oceanic organism, namely during intercourse/penetration.

MYTH: She's a dirty girl and/or been fucking around and/or _______ (awful derivative in your insecure brain that assumes the worst possible everything-fill in the blank).

TRUTH: Her pH is jacked up and her insides are very unhappy about it.

Our girl parts are a delicate balance of chemicals and consistencies which can be irritated and upset by everything from the fabric of our clothes to the soaps we use to the foods we eat and the medications we take.  Most of you are familiar with a "yeast infection", which causes itching and a thick, lacteous discharge, but this nasty (usually stand-alone) fish smell is actually the reverse of a yeast infection.  The female body is naturally acidic and the male body is naturally alkaline; when our bodies become overly acidic, we get a yeast infection (and usually major heartburn/acid-reflux), and when our bodies become overly alkaline or basic, we get  BV-Bacterial Vaginosis.  I don't know how much you remember about basic and acidic from Chemistry class (remember in school when we dipped litmus papers into substances, and they turned red or blue?  It's like that.), but fundamentally, those Secret commercials about being "formulated for a woman's pH" are no joke.  Our pH's (not just our moods) are incredibly temperamental throughout our bodies and fluids.  A stressful week, a new bathing suit or too much coffee can sway our pH is unfriendly ways; we all know girls that get yeast infections every time they go in the ocean or take antibiotics.  BV is the other side of that same pendulum swing and can be cleared up with a quick cycle of medication, either orally or vaginally to re-balance, but, just like a yeast infection, but it has virtually nothing to do with your partner's extracurricular sexual activities, so stop assuming the worst!

Now, that being said, one of the quickest ways to upset your partner's pH is to introduce something foreign and/or alkaline into their bodies like condoms, sex toys, a new partner's fluids and especially semen.  I say this because if you are in a relationship and have had sex a few times in few days, with or without condoms, this can very simply disrupt a lady's pH rapidly.  I know from several of my readers and friends that are trying to conceive, holding several days of "deposits" up in you can easily disturb one's pH, but, at the same time, DO NOT DOUCHE.

(This is where I could go on a tangent about why douching is unhealthy, but if you don't know, just ask Google.  So, unless it's up your ass, don't do it.)

If you are concerned about whether or not you have BV or a yeast infection, call your doctor.  Sometimes, they can call something in for you without you having to go all the way into the office, but if you do go in for an office visit, I make it a point to ask for refills just in case this happens again (for me, the summer is not an especially friendly season for my pH).

Next Monster Myth: Designer Vaginas (aka: Look Like a Peach, not Roast Beef).  The vagina is actually inside (can't really be seen), but the vulva is the whole outside, consisting of the inner and outer labia, the clitoris, the clitoral hood and the urethra (basic diagram here).

SITUATION: A woman has dark or protruding or excessive labia lips, sometimes referred to as roast beef and other such gamey vulgarities, because her inner labia extend past her outer labia and may be darker in color.

MYTH: Her pussy looks like this because she fucks/been fucked too much.

TRUTH: After going through puberty and especially childbirth, all of our lady parts go through changes.  The inner and outer labia develop differently for every woman in the world, namely through hormones and genes, and that development includes size, length, color, texture, etc.  The sad part is that, due to the prevalence of porn, women are going under the knife at a younger and younger age to "make their pussies pretty" because they experience and fear ridicule, judgement and rejection.  It's not much different that an American male being uncircumcised (or so I've been told).  Now, there are occasions where women get their labia trimmed up because of pain and/or discomfort (also like the need for some adult circumcisions), but here I'm addressing more of the aesthetic perceptions.

Finally and most importantly, STOP WITH THE JUDGEMENT!  If you run into either of the above issues, either with yourself or a partner, please be kind.  Assumptions and judgement have no place in the bedroom.  Make it a safe, welcoming environment that you want to be in and others will follow suit.  The Golden Rule also applies to sex, ladies and gents, so keep it in perspective.

Stay clean, jellybean! 

JN